Light Bulb Jokes 1

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.


How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.


How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.


How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.


How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.


How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
2) None. It's a hardware problem!
3) Just one. But the house falls down.
4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?


How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.


How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."
4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."


How many college students does it take to screw a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?


How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.


How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.


What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.


How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.
2) How many can you afford?


How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.


How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.


How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.
2) Microsoft doesn't change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new standard.


How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.


How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
2) None. There is no honour in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.


How many ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century.


How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.


How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.


How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.


How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!


How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed � it has to be smashed.


How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.


How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.


How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Amish don't believe in light bulbs. God will provide light unto the world.


How many bisexuals does it take to change a light bulb?
1) However many turns you on ;)
2) That depends ... is it AC or DC?
3) Three or more ... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone.


How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.


How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.